Inspired
by a recent presentation I heard, I have decided to make a major life change. I
have decided to let my son cut his own meat for dinner. More on this later. It
was after listening to Julie Lythcott-Haims at Palmetto High School talk about
her new best seller, How to Raise an Adult, that I came to this and many other
realizations. The focus of the book is to challenge parents to find ways to
raise their children to become confident individuals who can be self-reliant
and live enriched lives. It was after seeing students have more and more
difficulty adjusting to college while a Dean of Freshman at Stanford University
that she came to the realization that “something was wrong”.
Having worked with children
and families for almost twenty years in my practice, I have also seen the
pendulum swing in different directions from laissez-faire parenting to
helicopter parents to everything in between. It is truly a difficult balancing
act that is influenced by several factors. Of course we are influenced by
individual factors related to a child’s specific educational, physical, or
psychological needs. However, we are also influenced by external factors
related to community or societal influences. All are important consider, but
staying focused on our original goals can help us know when to get involved and
when to back off.
Of course many of our parenting
decisions are also based on logistics. We are all busy. Morning times tend to
be most problematic followed closely by homework time and bed time. Busy
schedules force us to make more short-term parenting decisions to simply get
from point A to point B. However, this does come at the cost of long-term
parenting goals such as independence and self-reliance. Grades (and later
college expectations) also influence our decisions. Should we allow for study
habits to develop, for internal motivation to arise, for decision-making skills
and self-advocacy to emerge at the possible risk of a bad grade? Or do we
intervene for the A, for the academic award, for the principals honor roll?
These are all fair questions that seem easy to answer in theory and harder to
implement in real life. There are real pressures, real consequences, and scary
thoughts about the future.
So back to the title. As one
small step toward raising an adult, I will commit to stepping away from the
steak and allowing my son to cut his own meat. It started with my fear of him
choking and segued nicely into my rushing to get him to eat and finish his
dinner. All could be easily justified, but at what expense? It turns out that
even small and seemingly inconsequential decisions we make at home can have
important positive consequences, and it can certainly set the tone for harder
and more important decisions down the road.
